There's No Unless in Marriage

The cliché truth that has disappointed millions of romantics and provided fodder for dozens of sitcoms is this: people aren't perfect. And since husbands are people, they are not perfect either: not mine, not yours, not your best friend's or your sister's or your neighbor's cousin's husband. And despite what we may have thought in our pre-marriage days, imperfect usually means more than the occasional hair out of place or morning breath or not-really-that-funny joke.

In fact, our husband's "imperfections" can often look to us more like big, ugly flaws. He has bad habits - some merely annoying, like leaving his dirty laundry on the floor, and others outright sinful, like drinking too much. He has addictions. He wastes time or money or our cell phone minutes while he's talking to his college buddies. He's not affectionate enough, or he's all touchy when we want to be left alone. He works too much and is never around when we need him, or he doesn't work hard enough and we don't know how we're going to pay the mortgage. He doesn't take out the trash or change diapers or pray with the children enough. He never says "I love you" first. In fact, sometimes it seems like he doesn't really love us at all.

Good thing there's that handy "unless" clause in the Bible to absolve whatever responsibility we might have to such an unloving creature. You know, where it says, "Wives, submit to your husbands UNLESS he doesn't treat you nicely," and "the wife must respect her husband UNLESS he hasn't earned it." Or maybe something about being submissive unless he wants you to go along with a really dumb idea. Or unless he forgets your birthday and never says "please" and ignores you when he's watching TV. When you find those references in the New Testament, please share them with me, because I can't seem to locate them in my translation.

Honestly, I see two major instructions to wives, and there's no "unless" around them. Ephesians 5:22 says, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." And if you're thinking that simply means, "Submit in matters pertaining to church," read on a few verses: "Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." I often remind my children that Colossians 3:20 says "Children, obey your parents in everything." Isn't it interesting that I can emphasize the "in everything" in one verse, while glossing over it when I'm suddenly on the other end of the instruction? And then verse 33 reiterates the wife's role by stating that she "must respect her husband."

If a perfect world, with perfect husbands, submission would never be difficult - of course we wives would all be eager to align our actions with the inspiring desires of our ideal mates! But like all of God's commands, obedience has nothing to do with the actions of another person. We are called to submit to husbands who make poor choices, to respect men who aren't always respectable, and to cheerfully go along with ideas that make us cringe. Doesn't that sound beautiful?

Actually, while the vague idea of submission may strike us as noble, the detailed specifics can sound terrifying. And they can be. After all, God gave us preferences and the ability to reason, too. We know better than to let the children have cookies and soda when it's two hours past their bedtime. We would never waste the day playing video games when the lawn needs to be mowed. We wouldn't lend money to the brother who never pays us back or go on vacation with those annoying neighbors or hang that grotesque deer head with antlers anywhere in our house. This is where submission gets tricky. It's not just about major, life-changing decisions. Submission applies to day-to-day choices, too, and respect should govern all of our responses to our husbands - even husbands who don't deserve it.

Of course, there is one exception - if our husbands ask us to do something that is clearly contrary to God's revealed Word, then "we must obey God rather than men" (Acts 5:29). In marriage between two believers, however, the need for this exception is rare. I may not think it's a good idea and I may have plenty of verses to back up my point of view, but often submission means going along with something we'd rather not, and respect means doing it cheerfully, not balking, pouting, or whining the whole way.

If fact, I would go so far as to state that if we truly respect our husbands, we will do our best to cheerfully agree to their ideas long before submission becomes an issue. God has recently convicted me that I tend to submit when it reaches the point of ultimatum - a direct command to do or not to do something - and not before. Do I wait until he insists on getting his way, or do I do everything I can to make him happy? Do I respect his ideas by seeing the good in them, or am I quick to shoot them down with my criticisms? Am I so busy arguing for my own desires and preferences that I ignore his? Do I forget that God has given HIM the responsibility to lead and direct our family, even in the smaller things like what we do on weekends or how we spend our money?

My husband will graciously listen to my opinions on most subjects, but in the end, he is the one who will give account to God for how this family was managed. If the children were hyper or we lost some money or some relatives took offense to our new decor, he will be responsible before God. I will simply answer to my Creator: Did I love, honor, respect, and submit to the husband He gave me, in spite of the said husband's humanness and imperfections and occasionally downright dumb ideas? My sisters in Christ, will we obey God by submitting to our husbands in everything? Or will we keep searching for the Unless?